Dumbledore Is An Idiot
by Manchester
Summary: Alternative Potterverse drabble scenes when this Hogwarts Headmaster demonstrates (often very much to the cost of his health and/or dignity) that excessive lemon drop consumption obviously causes severe impairment to the higher brain functions.


**1\. Chapter One**

With a flick of his wand, Dumbledore set up for the first time the protective blood wards at the Privet Drive house, standing in front of baby Harry sleeping in his blanket outside the front door on a cold November night.

Promptly scanning for the nearest relation who knew and loved this chilled infant, the blood wards found the house's inhabitants were both unaware of and indifferent to Harry's presence. Trying again, the spell finally apparated here the one person who'd do anything to safeguard Harry.

A furious Sirius Black then strangled Dumbledore to death and vanished with his godson.

**2\. Chapter Two**

_Author's Note: Same premise as the previous chapter, but with an entirely different result since I couldn't fit both in one drabble. The first drabble dealt with the blood wards' presumed capacity to sense love, but this one has to do with an entirely different biological consequence…  
_

With a flick of his wand, Dumbledore set up for the first time the protective blood wards at the Privet Drive house, standing in front of baby Harry sleeping in his blanket outside the front door on a cold November night.

Noting Harry's health was in danger, all due to the wizard there, the blood wards summoned magical assistance from every single person in their interbred community related to some degree to this child.

_CRACK!_

In the suburban street, over two hundred very annoyed men, women, and children all dressed in their nightclothes wanted an explanation from Dumbledore right _now._

**3\. Chapter Three**

_Author's Note: Perhaps the most interesting loose end in the entire HP series comes when the Brazilian boa constrictor released from its zoo cage because Harry banished the glass front from the view window is never __mentioned again after it finishes talking to Harry in Parseltongue and slithers off on its way home. An escaped two-foot cobra from the Bronx Zoo gets its own Twitter_ _account_,_ but not a single Londoner bats an eye at having such a dangerous snake ten times bigger roaming around in their city. Man, those British dudes there are really stiff-upper-lipped.  
_

Sensing Harry's recent accidental magic, Dumbledore materialized in some sort of zoo. The Headmaster saw curled up facing him a rather large snake. The wizard was then caught with surprise by an affectionate greeting from that reptile which had just coiled around his ankles. Eyes twinkling at how Hagrid would enjoy this, Dumbledore tried to use his wand.

Instead, additional lengths of the snake tightly pinned his arms. At that point, Dumbledore became concerned and considered calling for help.

Another coil at mouth level prevented this. The boa hissed into Dumbledore's suffused countenance, *You'll make a fine snack before Brazil!*

**4\. Chapter Four**

Feeling confident that any moment now the Sorting Hat would declare Harry Potter a Gryffindor, Dumbledore leaned back in his throne-like chair in the Great Hall and waited for this outcome.

Except, it was taking far too long-

In the middle of his sudden worry, Dumbledore and the whole castle then heard this headgear shout out loud a triumphant declaration:

"ARSENAL!"

Facepalming himself, Dumbledore wished the Hat would stop mischievously categorizing every wizarding child from London into either that or a Tottenham Hotspur supporter. Now, he was going to have to obliviate the entire damned room and fix things!

**5\. Chapter Five**

In her sternest tone, Professor McGonagall rebuked the much-abashed Headmaster, "Albus, you've been an educator of children for _decades!_ At the very least, that should've given you some idea as to how they think! Just what made you decide it was in any way helpful to tell them the third floor corridor is off limits because of some mysterious danger there? Now, the infirmary's overflowing with dog bites and other injuries, plus the Weasley twins made a fortune selling cheat sheets to the last dozen successful contestants! We'll have to start all over with a completely new obstacle course!"

**6\. Chapter Six**

Quite certain his plans were working satisfactorily, Dumbledore strolled down the castle hallway. He mentally went all over it once more.

*Now that Miss Granger is petrified, Harry will surely discover the Chamber of Secrets, confront Tom, kill the basilisk, and rescue-*

A dozen terrified girls ran screaming past the headmaster, followed by Harry also in hot pursuit while snipping away with a pair of sharp scissors in one hand and yelling after his prey, "I just want to make sure you're not a medusa! Who needs hair, anyway?"

*Sigh. Harry's friend Hermione is undoubtedly the brains of the trio.*

**7\. Chapter Seven**

Dumbledore immediately apparated to Harry's neighborhood when Sirius escaped from Azkaban. Sirius knew about Petunia Dursley, and he was familiar enough with the muggle world to find her and Harry, so it only made sense for the headmaster to head off their meeting having the potential to ruin all Dumbledore's plotting.

Days later uselessly spent with Mrs. Figg, a puzzled Albus left Privet Drive without ever seeing Sirius.

Far away, a large dog stuck in a jail cell for years was lifting his hind leg against every streetlamp, telephone pole, and fire hydrant along the unhurried journey towards his godson.

**8\. Chapter Eight**

Coming home after delivering their freakish nephew to Hogwarts once again, Vernon finally had enough. After a family conference, the Dursleys gathered in their living room.

"House insurance cancelled and bags packed?"

"Yes, dear."

"Gas turned on?"

"Done, dad."

"Good. You're absolutely sure your computer will work, son?"

"Yeah, those spy cam pictures will be posted worldwide if we get threatened by Harry's headmaster."

Bringing up the rear to the open front door, Vernon lit a match, dropping it onto the alcohol-soaked rug.

Dumbledore's magical blood wards completely ignored the mundane fire burning the suburban house to the ground.

**9\. Chapter Nine**

_Author's Note: Here's the actual dialogue said by Hermione. "It's not going to work... You see this? This is an Age Line. Dumbledore drew it himself...a genius like Dumbledore couldn't possibly be fooled by a dodge as pathetically dim-witted as an Ageing Potion." Yet afterwards, nobody ever calls His Beardness on either completely screwing up this little enchantment in the case of our Harry, or how Barty Crouch Jr. was able to get away with manipulating the Tournament with his own charm upon a near-sentient goblet.  
_

When a fourth name was somehow added, the Goblet of Fire checked that the age line created by Hogwart's Headmaster to prevent anyone younger than seventeen from entering the Triwizard Tournament was still working. Finding this spell was operating just fine, the Goblet was caught between accepting the newest underage entrant or deservedly punishing whoever had overlooked the Confundus Charm on it which allowed somebody to break the Tournament rules. A choice was eventually made by this magical construct.

The selection ceremony finished with an extra parchment sheet outlining the name and reason for their inclusion: ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, INCOMPETENT ARSEHOLE!

**10\. Chapter Ten**

_Author's Note: Just as a stopped clock can show the correct time twice a day, even a redheaded comic relief second banana can occasionally realize the truth of something.  
_

Sitting in the castle library during fifth year, Ron idly mentioned to his friends what he'd just thought, "Guys, I can't figure out the blood wards on the house where Harry stays throughout Hogwarts summer breaks."

Scowling impatiently, Hermione began to lecture, "They keep Harry magically hidden from the Death Eaters-"

"Not that!" grumped Ron. "I just want to know why Dumbledore hasn't put them up at the Burrow or any other wizarding home. I mean, us Weasleys, we love each other a lot more than the Dursleys do to you, right, mate?"

Harry then lost all confidence in Dumbledore.

**11\. Chapter Eleven**

Staggering back from the dreadful scene he'd just witnessed, Dumbledore clapped both hands to the side of his face in absolute horror. From where he was transfixed at the entrance to the Gryffindor commons room, this headmaster appealed to one specific participant in the heaving mass of naked youthful flesh there: "Harry, when I said the key to defeating Voldemort was the power of love, I didn't mean you could hold nightly orgies to gain magical power from this!"

Looking up from nuzzling Hermione's bare cleavage, Harry smirked at the old scrote. "Oh? How are you going to prove otherwise?"

**12\. Chapter Twelve**

_Author's Note: Peter Pettigrew - Poster boy for the wizarding world's disabled community.  
_

Ready for the next great adventure, Dumbledore waited for Severus to cast the deadly Avada Kedavra upon him. Unfortunately, Harry also needed to die to defeat Voldemort. It'd still be easier than Albus' mistake of donning the Gaunt ring which destroyed Dumbledore's hand and would soon spread throughout the rest of his body. Only Snape knew about it, and he'd agreed to kill the headmaster to prevent such an agonizing death.

It wasn't until just before the lethal green light hit him that Dumbledore realized a master of the Sectumsempra cutting curse could've simply amputated Albus' hand, saving his life…

**13\. Chapter Thirteen**

_Author's Note: The waste of time known as Hogwarts' Divination class one day proved its actual legitimacy when the Boy-Who-Lived channeled Sybil Trelawney and snarkily predicted the future a couple of minutes henceforth.  
_

Glancing around his relatives' living room filled by other Harry Potters, the original carefully asked, "_This_ is how I'm supposed to escape the Death Eaters? Wonderful, we're looking at another Dumbledore masterpiece."

"Yes, boy!" growled nobody else but Mad-Eye Moody. "Enough blathering! Let's move!"

"Fine," the reason for tonight's scheme shrugged. "I still think it's stupid having everybody here commit suicide based on someone setting me up to die every term I spent at Hogwarts just to see if that damn prophecy was true. Even if only Tom can off me, his morons won't have any trouble targeting _you._"

**14\. Chapter Fourteen**

_Author's Note: All it needed was for Harry and Hermione to contemplate how the third of their trio would piggishly react to a Best Western's no-limits breakfast buffet where his usual horrible table manners wouldn't be ignored as these were at Hogwarts.  
_

From where he'd been observing an angry Ron leaving, Harry turned to Hermione. Disgustedly staring at the pair of useless magical bequests lying on her bed, the girl's bad mood brightened at hearing, "He's gone, Hermione."

"Good! Honestly, what was Dumbledore thinking, expecting us to live together in this tent for months? It took long enough for Ron to skive off, but now we can stay at a nice muggle hotel and look for the horcruxes from there. The locket should be safe here, too," finished Hermione while pulling out her parents' credit card and exultantly waving this at Harry.

**15\. Chapter Fifteen**

Quizzically regarding after his explanation how Harry then took a deep, measured, inhalation, Dumbledore knew they were well past any actual need to breathe, so he couldn't understand why-

The younger man said in a surprisingly calm voice, "So, to sum up, you manipulated everybody to get me murdered, and we're in the afterlife where our appearances match what we feel they should be. In that case, let me show you something I found in Dudley's old comic books."

Dumbledore next saw how Harry turned bright green, grew to gigantic proportions, and balefully glared at him, before hearing:

"POTTER SMASH!"

**16\. Chapter Sixteen**

_Author's Note: The following may explain just why, after somehow surviving the whole lot of what this departed pair put him through, our hero bestowed a specific set of names upon his hapless descendant.  
_

Stumbling home, a battered boy found his father waiting for him. Right away, this parental figure heard a whining, "Dad, they did it again! Teasing me about my name and then I got beat up because you won't buy me a wand until Hogwarts next year!"

Showing a very evil smile, Harry Potter handed a thick book to his offspring. A mystified Albus Severus Potter read the title there: _How To Be A Dark Lord_

Harry then declared, "Study hard, son, and become such a bastard they'll piss their knickers when you announce who you are! Take _that,_ Dumbledork, Snivellus!"


End file.
